vacation ends

I just spent the week in California. Hayward with my dad and his wife/kids/their kids. San Ramon with my aunt and cousins. San Francisco with myself and my friend Diane. I also saw Duane at his side-project Four Barrel Coffee. Had a great soy macchiato at Ritual. There was a line out the door so I knew it had to be good. I had a good coffee nerding-out experience while I was there, so appropriate.
On my birthday, monday night, I met up with Diane. Actually we met up earlier in the day at Four Barrel where Duane treated us to drinks and pies because we didn't have cash. I owe him a beer... I met her cousin Ivy and her girlfriend Sarah. both so adorable! we trekked around Downtown and Chinatown. a lot of fun. I spent way too much money on Levis but whatever...they at least fit me, unlike every other pair of jeans I buy. We met up again in the evening with her other cousin James and his friend, for a night on the town in the Castro. We hit a few gay bars and ended up sleeping at James's place after poor Diane lost her wallet. the next morning we re-met up with Ivy and Sarah for breakfast at Boogaloos. the quickest, best breakfast ever. After that I explored SF State. i fell in love with the campus. it's so small, yet so crowded and there are a lot of buildings piled into the small space. I even met a guy waiting for the muni. we talked a bit and he got off on his stop, thought i'd never see him again. then on thursday, after my day of rest at Aunt Shirleys, I was back on campus to meet with an adviser, and I ran into him again!! this time we exchanged info and we just laughed at the coincidence.
My trip to Hanford was fun, quick, and well worth the cost of a rental car and my time listening to Grandma's repeated stories. I love her dearly but boy, does she like to tell the same stories over and over again. I saw Courtney at her baby shower. She looked pretty good. As did everyone else. Aunts and Great Aunts and cousins. I can't believe how things have turned out, but I guess it makes sense living in the central valley...I never realized just how small Hanford is...it really is in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by farmland and dairies and crops for miles. The sky is so vast, the stars so bright at night. A little too quiet when I was by myself... I did get to see Danielle and Shad. They are engaged now. wow...
I feel like a rebel being the only one not even finding a boyfriend to settle down with. I feel like I'm so far from settling down...I can't even see having a family in the near future. Maybe in ten years... I just feel so alien to all this mothering, coupling energy, it's something I can't understand and I worry that I never will understand..
So it's midnight. I'm waking up early to say goodbye to my dad before he goes off to work in the morning. I'll take back the car at ten and go to the airport. My flight leaves at 12:30. I'm excited to go home to Seattle. The Bay was amazing and I could definitely see myself living here for awhile, going to school and meeting people. It's just so easy to meet people here, and it's so diverse. People are just more relaxed and open. But I am about to start a new chapter...AmeriCorps on Tuesday...it's going to be new and stressful and exciting and time-consuming, and mostly worth it. So I am looking forward to that.
I'm looking forward to cleaning up my room tomorrow, fixing my bar tape and riding my bike...and yoga on Monday and every day for the rest of the week. And Waid's with Diane on monday. I feel like this rejuvination was just what I needed. To drive the open road, listening to northwest hip-hop, remembering that home is where i make it, it's whatever I make it. Home can be in a room in Seattle, a moving car in the middle of nowhere, california, a song in my headphones. it's mostly what i believe to be the central focus of my existence, my essence if you will. i hate to essentialize, but this trip and this time in my mind gave me the tools to simply reevaluate who i am and how i present myself to those around me, the kind of person or well the exact person i am.

oh man

so for the first time
i swear the first time
since i was younger and could actually let go
i felt tonight this wave of bliss
a calm like warm water
over my toes in the pacific
i opened my eyes and he smiled
back through my eyes
he questioned and closed
content with this randomness
this nap that became a hand-hold.
we couldn't take our eyes off
nor did we want to let go.
it wasn't planned
but we secretly wished it true.

*sigh* i am a cheeseball right now.
because i just had this intense connection with someone a bit younger. nearly 4 years. but a genuine comfort and connection. it doesn't just happen. he's so relaxed and humble, sweet and caring and a talented writer. he looks at me with these eyes that are warm and wanting to know more. i 've been so fickle lately, back and forth between guys, never ready to settle. he makes me feel so nice and content, all i could want right now.