President Obama

Thinking About the President

What does this mean for me
A woman a brown woman in this time
Where can I go now today two days after this historic moment
How does it change my place in society?

I woke up early
Jitters like Christmas
Kept me up election eve
Cast my vote into the box
Not climactic
Like the monumental feat ahead

What does this mean for us? Black President.
Mr. President Barack Obama. Two red lines beneath these words
like they aren’t words
or the name of a man who united a nation.

She said, “I never thought I would live to see this”
I can’t hold back my tears everytime I hear that
Which is often.
One of my students read a poem,
Maybe her head isn’t wrapped around the issues
But her heart knows this is different,
This politics is different
And undeniable.


That night, I was with a huge crowd at the War Room, with some good friends of mine, enjoying free ice cream and dressed for the occasion. I couldn't believe my eyes when the screen read 200. Only 70 to go and it was easy...the reason I live on the West Coast...
When we heard the news, saw the news, I couldn't help but cheer and cry. As a brown girl I have only ever been disenchanted with out government, with the way that people who look like me, people who, like my parents, live paycheck to paycheck, are treated by those in power. That government means POWER. power over.
I know my mom is jaded over all of this. She thought Obama was a reverse-racists, that he doesn't like white people. She is always undecided, never convinced. To her, all politicians are dirty and sleezy. Which has always been the case. Is it naive to think Obama is any different? Because I believe he is. And thousands of people who filled the streets of Capital Hill and Downtown Seattle seemed to believe that we are heading in a better direction, that this election really means something for us who are brown, or who can barely make rent, but choose to live in cities because we can be ourselves and not have to deal with others' moral influences.
I am beyond words for the real feeling I have, that I can look to someone who looks like me, to even think we are moving as a country...or 52% of a country...that knows we are capable. Because we have always known!

what the fuck?

I'm trying to recap the RNC speeches. Reading the Slog notes I am so disgusted at how fucking white wealthy politicians are presenting what Americans need. As if the fucking know what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck or have garbage dumped in their backyards or neighborhoods, suffer from racism and sexism and classism on an institutional level, on a level that is beyond personal. Forget choosing my identity; why doesn't society just name me? I am so sick to my stomach that McCain would choose Palin, a woman, clearly as a political move to woo voters. To imply that just because she is a woman she is looking out for the next woman's needs.
To say that Obama has only been a community organizer as if this is a limitation?! Man.

vacation ends

I just spent the week in California. Hayward with my dad and his wife/kids/their kids. San Ramon with my aunt and cousins. San Francisco with myself and my friend Diane. I also saw Duane at his side-project Four Barrel Coffee. Had a great soy macchiato at Ritual. There was a line out the door so I knew it had to be good. I had a good coffee nerding-out experience while I was there, so appropriate.
On my birthday, monday night, I met up with Diane. Actually we met up earlier in the day at Four Barrel where Duane treated us to drinks and pies because we didn't have cash. I owe him a beer... I met her cousin Ivy and her girlfriend Sarah. both so adorable! we trekked around Downtown and Chinatown. a lot of fun. I spent way too much money on Levis but whatever...they at least fit me, unlike every other pair of jeans I buy. We met up again in the evening with her other cousin James and his friend, for a night on the town in the Castro. We hit a few gay bars and ended up sleeping at James's place after poor Diane lost her wallet. the next morning we re-met up with Ivy and Sarah for breakfast at Boogaloos. the quickest, best breakfast ever. After that I explored SF State. i fell in love with the campus. it's so small, yet so crowded and there are a lot of buildings piled into the small space. I even met a guy waiting for the muni. we talked a bit and he got off on his stop, thought i'd never see him again. then on thursday, after my day of rest at Aunt Shirleys, I was back on campus to meet with an adviser, and I ran into him again!! this time we exchanged info and we just laughed at the coincidence.
My trip to Hanford was fun, quick, and well worth the cost of a rental car and my time listening to Grandma's repeated stories. I love her dearly but boy, does she like to tell the same stories over and over again. I saw Courtney at her baby shower. She looked pretty good. As did everyone else. Aunts and Great Aunts and cousins. I can't believe how things have turned out, but I guess it makes sense living in the central valley...I never realized just how small Hanford is...it really is in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by farmland and dairies and crops for miles. The sky is so vast, the stars so bright at night. A little too quiet when I was by myself... I did get to see Danielle and Shad. They are engaged now. wow...
I feel like a rebel being the only one not even finding a boyfriend to settle down with. I feel like I'm so far from settling down...I can't even see having a family in the near future. Maybe in ten years... I just feel so alien to all this mothering, coupling energy, it's something I can't understand and I worry that I never will understand..
So it's midnight. I'm waking up early to say goodbye to my dad before he goes off to work in the morning. I'll take back the car at ten and go to the airport. My flight leaves at 12:30. I'm excited to go home to Seattle. The Bay was amazing and I could definitely see myself living here for awhile, going to school and meeting people. It's just so easy to meet people here, and it's so diverse. People are just more relaxed and open. But I am about to start a new chapter...AmeriCorps on Tuesday...it's going to be new and stressful and exciting and time-consuming, and mostly worth it. So I am looking forward to that.
I'm looking forward to cleaning up my room tomorrow, fixing my bar tape and riding my bike...and yoga on Monday and every day for the rest of the week. And Waid's with Diane on monday. I feel like this rejuvination was just what I needed. To drive the open road, listening to northwest hip-hop, remembering that home is where i make it, it's whatever I make it. Home can be in a room in Seattle, a moving car in the middle of nowhere, california, a song in my headphones. it's mostly what i believe to be the central focus of my existence, my essence if you will. i hate to essentialize, but this trip and this time in my mind gave me the tools to simply reevaluate who i am and how i present myself to those around me, the kind of person or well the exact person i am.

oh man

so for the first time
i swear the first time
since i was younger and could actually let go
i felt tonight this wave of bliss
a calm like warm water
over my toes in the pacific
i opened my eyes and he smiled
back through my eyes
he questioned and closed
content with this randomness
this nap that became a hand-hold.
we couldn't take our eyes off
nor did we want to let go.
it wasn't planned
but we secretly wished it true.

*sigh* i am a cheeseball right now.
because i just had this intense connection with someone a bit younger. nearly 4 years. but a genuine comfort and connection. it doesn't just happen. he's so relaxed and humble, sweet and caring and a talented writer. he looks at me with these eyes that are warm and wanting to know more. i 've been so fickle lately, back and forth between guys, never ready to settle. he makes me feel so nice and content, all i could want right now.

Finding a Man is Hard: but not worth it at this point

Around me so many people are in love, falling in love, getting married, or at least getting some. Three years ago my instincts were to jump into whatever opportunities came my way. I pushed aside any fears that he was too into me too fast, or that maybe it wasn't a perfect match. I never thought about where I stood, how I would operate in a relationship. Two years ago when my long-term relationship ended, on drastic terms of course, I still called, I still wanted to be with him so badly. Despite his negativity, his selfishness, his inability to actually be a good partner...Despite all of that I wanted to be with him. What followed was a summer of listening to my roommate and best friend goo and gah over their newfound love. I slumped in the corner wishing I could be anywhere but in the presence of love. I spent a few months with one guy, younger than me...we had a carefree and fun time, nothing serious. Actually we are now quite close friends.
So in the past two years I have gone from being heartbroken to bitter, lonely, and now I find myself at a place where I am feeling quite content in my own skin. I went on a date a couple of months ago in which I told a friend, "I would have rather been at home reading a book by myself..."
I have resolved that Seattle, my home of three years, is an impossible place for me to meet a potential partner. I have made great friends. I have met no one worthy of being my boyfriend. or girlfriend. I have become the token ethnic girl, which means that I don't fit in. I live on Capital Hill...I bike and I'm a barista at the best coffee shop...Hell, I know I dress the part...yet still the cool kids don't see me as their own. This city is unique, as my close friend said. Older men of color cat call because we have to stick together...it's like "You are one of us." Yet I don't want to be one of them, I don't want to be with anyone just because we look similar. I want to be with someone who wants to understand me. Last night my friend said, the qualities that we have that we think people don't like, are just intimidating to them. They won't take the time to learn, to appreciate a difference rather than to be controlled by assumptions.
My best friend from high school has always been the one person who understands me. We may go a few weeks without talking, or months without seeing each other. But we have a connection that I can only dream of finding. I wish he would move out to the West Coast, start a new kind of life with me, even just as friends. There is something magical about the West, even the Northwest. I love the nature, the peace, the clean air, the beautiful water surrounding.
I have finally grown to realize the importance of living for myself, loving yourself before anyone else can, as they say... it is true, however cliche it sounds.

Obama

Obama Claims Nomination; First Black Candidate to Lead A Major Party Ticket, NYT

Today's biggest news is that Obama clinched the nomination. I'm so excited! A lot of my friends think the elections are bullshit, but I guess I still have a little hope that change can really happen. Back in 2004 when I saw and heard Obama speak for the first time at the Democratic National Convention, I said, like many others, "HE is going to be President someday."

The Audacity of Hope Speech, July 27, 2004

Barack Obama can truly bring change. Just think about the drastic changes Bush, Jr. brought to our country. Is it completely impossible to imagine good coming from our government? It's about time that the government works for the people. I feel that Barack Obama, as part of a racially marginalized group, can empathize with Americans who are living paycheck to paycheck, trying to care for their families. In many ways I see myself as privileged. Even as a woman of color, I recognize that I am lucky to have a college education. In only 12 days I will be a graduate, diploma in hand, I will be part of the lucky few. I grew up with two parents until I was 12, and then it was just my mom and me. Although neither of my parents went to college- they each dabbled in community college a bit- they always instilled in me the importance of education. We used the state school system and financial aid grants where we could, lucky that we were poor enough to receive the aid. When I moved to Seattle my mom's administrative job at Vanderbilt University subsidized my education at a private Jesuit school, Seattle University. It is possible for people to rise up from where they started, to achieve great things despite the odds, but it doesn't take away from that beginning struggle. Obama's achievement doesn't make him less able to empathize.
So today I feel hopeful, hopeful that we will soon change priorities, that we will be less individualistic and materialistic, care more for our fellow human beings, treat each other with dignity. Of course we have a long way to go, but this can be a good start.